Cynical? Who, me?

They aren't resolutions

2009-12-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

In theory, the holidays are supposed to be a happy time, right?
They certainly can be. Even for people that may have a rough go of it, there's always something even a little magical about this time of year if they choose to see it.

I personally spend a lot of time focusing on pretty little ornaments and how much I love buying things for people (even when, like this year, things are tight in the money department).
I do love my family very much and I am extremely grateful to have them to share my holidays with.
However there is a darkness that looms this time of year.

Due to past situations that took place during this time of year, I feel permanently scarred. I don't like this feeling and don't like that it fills my life with such sadness, anger and dread...I know it's in the past and I should learn to let go. But it isn't that easy.

Add to that the stress holidays bring in general and that I am forced to spend time with in-laws that make me feel like shit (indirectly), it kinda sucks.
My duty as my man's woman is to put on a happy face and attend functions with his family when I don't really enjoy anything about it anymore.
We split for a very brief time a couple of years ago, and things between me and his parents have never been the same. And they never will be.
All this unhappiness clouds the things that are good; fully overshadowing them sometimes.
There have been horrendous fights and things that were supposed to be special turned in to a massive shitfest. Ugly, ugly situations from the PAST causing conflict in the present. It isn't right. Hard to get over though.

I do the best I can though and I choose to focus on the lovely ornaments, pretty tree and the presents and I CHOOSE to block out the unpleasant things when I am capable of such a thing (not to say that that is even a healthy way of dealing with things. It's not).
And I really am grateful for the family I have, problems and all. I would rather have my family than anything else in the world. I had a taste of what it is like without them, and I never want to experience that again. They are my purpose for living. They are what breathes life in to me.

I have a much greater appreciation for certain things since my daughter was born in July. She makes me smile even when I feel like crying. She can make me so happy just by looking at me with one of her big toothless grins.
Gotta keep it all in perspective and deal with things the best I can.

On that note, something we have decided to make a special tradition between me and the man this time of year is buying one of these. It's a Swarovski star ornament that they present annually. Last year was the first one we purchased together and I hope we continue that tradition for all the years to come.
I personally like this years better :)

Also, something that we are hoping to accomplish with the start of the new year is eating better and getting in to better shape. We both have put on a significant amount of weight (I gained more in the last 5 months than I did during my pregnancy) and I am absolutely disgusted with myself. All I focus on is how frumpy and fat I have become.
I'm home with the baby all day now, so I don't have much to do in my limited spare time except eat. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I....uh....feel, basically.
On top of that, we both have horrible problems with portion control and food addictions. Our dinners are ridiculous.
We're both recovered/recovering eating disorder people, so although we have stopped certain bad and damaging behaviors such as purging, the binge factor is in no way under control. We aren't very good at making good choices with what and how much to eat when we basically enable each other.
So in the new year, I'm hoping we can get some will power and eat healthier food without gorging ourselves sick.

I realize that there is more to a person than the size of their waistline, but I feel horrible about the way I look. It makes me cry and I have no self esteem. More importantly, I FEEL awful. I have a small frame; I'm barely 5'2 and the extra weight hanging on me makes me feel shitty. And I don't like not being able to move the way I'm used to being able to move.
I'm not a 500lb mammoth or anything, but I carry around a lot more weight right now than I ever should. I would like to see myself lose at least 60lbs. I don't even know how I will accomplish that though. That seems like a goal so very far away. An unreachable goal.

I understand the WHATs and HOWs a person should lose weight by. That isn't the problem. So I don't need suggestions about exercising or what foods to eat or anything of the like.
Funny thing about being a person that has lived with an eating disorder for years is that you usually end up an expert on eating and being "fit". Both the man and myself can talk up a storm about food and nutrition and exercise, meanwhile we are unable to put these things in to motion for ourselves.
A person can live without drugs and alcohol. A person cannot live without food. Makes it quite difficult.
Unless you have food issues like this, it's impossible to understand how a person can just not stop. "Eat smaller portions", "Stop when you're full", "Just don't eat so much". It's funny what people will say.

Well, anyway, we are going to try our best to eat better and gain some form of control over our little problem (self-help! oh boy!).

We are also going to try and be better at money management at the start of the year. Maybe even create that strange thing called a budget. HAHA.

Well, here's hoping for better things and positive changes in the new year. It's time to act like the grown ups we are.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays all around!

Empty Space

2009-12-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

I never write any more.

Though my writing skills at this point in my life are seriously lacking, I used to WRITE. On paper...in a book....to myself.
And even, at the very least, on here.

But not any more.

I'm lucky if I toss out one post every other month or so.
I've been thinking about writing again lately, but not only does my internet connection at home not work much, but when I finally think about putting my thoughts to written word...I draw a blank.
I have a lot to say. A lot to write about. A lot of things I'm feeling that I would like to vent out...but when do I have time? Or brain power (baby sucks it all away)?

I guess I kinda just have an emptiness about me right now. I'm surrounded by things and people, but I get depressed and I have trouble filling whatever void is within me.
And dang, being at home with the baby with free access to food any time is making me all chubs! That too, is depressing.

I do hope to start writing more often some day soon though.
It's a lot cheaper than therapy.

I am a rock

2009-09-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock,
I am an island

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock,
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock,
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."

Unexpected Arrival

2009-07-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

Baby Eva was born on July 2nd at 9:12AM. She's seven weeks early.

Needless to say, we spend A LOT of time at the hospital. She is doing well though.

I have never felt such overwhelming love. She is the loveliest thing

There's a foot in my ribcage

2009-05-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am definitely feeling very pregnant all of a sudden. I swear that over the last couple of weeks BIG STUFF has happened (yes I know that as pregnancy progresses, things change). It's just a bit strange.

Sitting is not that fun unless I have plenty of room to give my body a good stretch. Standing is also not fun due to back pain and whatnot. Rolling over in bed has become an exercise in building momentum.
Heartburn hangs out with me too much and I feel full and uncomfortable when I eat (I have significantly cut down the amount I shove in my face at a given time).
Ohhhh and then there's the stretch marks and everything getting BIGGER. You know, my favorite thing in the world.
And having to pee every 2.3 seconds.
I'm sure I'm leaving something out... :)

However, at this time it is also super awesome to be pregnant. The baby moves all the time and thoroughly gives my insides a beating. I get the warm fuzzies though when I think about getting to meet her in about 14 weeks or so.
Knowing that this will bridge the gap in our blended family is a nice thought as well. I already feel that we're closer; more connected.

I was never excited to have a baby before, so this is a new feeling for me, but I really am excited. Having a baby is something two people are supposed to actually share...and this time I have that. It's comforting.
Things are not perfect and no where even close, but I know it will all be OK.

So, even though so much of the physical aspect of pregnancy SUCKS (in my opinion), I wouldn't trade it for anything. Little Baby Eva is rockin' and rollin' and incubating in there...and soon she'll be out.

I have to go to the bathroom now.

Tired is an understatement

2009-04-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

Bending at the middle is starting to become VERY uncomfortable.

Ultrasound Says.........

2009-04-08T06:17:00.001-07:00

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right...all about being preggo now

2009-03-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm popping in to my 18th week now - just about half way through!
I've been feeling the baby moving quite a bit this last week in its little fluttery way. It's pretty cool.

What isn't pretty cool is trying to deal with the body changes and the pain I'm in on my feet at work all day.
I stand for A LONG TIME every day and it seriously isn't doing my lower back, hips and feet any favors. I'm in tears half the time by the end of the day because it feels like my feet are seriously bruised. And it's still early in the pregnancy! It only gets worse from here.
Luckily, If I pout enough, I can get a foot rub at night before bed.

Then there's the weight gain and body changes to deal with. Not lovin' the weight gain one bit but I know it is necessary. Also not loving the fact that my boobs are getting even BIGGER.
Wha? you say..... Well, I realize that many women totally dig the fact that their boobs get bigger during pregnancy, but not I. I have always been a busty girl and after I had my son I got even bustier. Now it's just getting ridiculous. I'm not even quite 5'2 and my entire torso is made up of boobs. KILLS my neck and back. And because I have issues, I see them as something big on my body and therefore bad. Mostly though, it just hurts to have to hold these things up when I'm not a very big person.
Also, I had a nurse tell me my weight right in front of Terry after I specifically asked her not to tell me. So not only did I feel humiliated in front of him for getting "so big", but I cried for two days after that. I don't mind hearing how much I'm gaining throughout my pregnancy, but people like me should never be told an actual number. It's just not good for the brain. Instead of me thinking that I'm pregnant and can deal with weight after that, I freak out and think I'm fat and ugly...therefore worthless. I become a weight number instead of being a person (to myself of course). Just gotta get through it though.
Luckily the man is good about offering support in this area.

My poor man definitely has his hands full with me. I was an emotional loose cannon before I was pregnant. Now it's just worse. He should get a medal of honor if he survives the next four and a half months. Or a shirt that says "I survived the pregnancy". Heh.

We were supposed to go for an ultrasound a week or so ago to find out the sex of the baby, but they called and told me I'd have to wait until after the 25th. Soooo now we'll be waiting until April 7th to see. The prior appointment was far too early anyway when it comes to seeing such things. So though I am impatient, I know the odds of seeing what it is will have greatly increased by then.

I think that'll do it for now. There's always more, but never enough time. Until later...

Back to reality

2009-03-04T05:51:00.000-08:00

This past weekend me and The Man got to do something that is unheard of in our world. We got to go away for the weekend without any kids!

Thursday night after I was off of work, we hopped in the car and headed for the Oregon Coast (Lincoln City to be exact). I don't know if any of you have had the opportunity to be there, but it is SO BEAUTIFUL. I love it there, so having the chance to stay in a condo on the beach with just one other was awesome.

It was a cute little place. Very cozy. AND it had a relatively hidden hot tub on the deck overlooking the ocean. Every night was completed with a kick ass soak in the tub. It was perfect. And there aren't many perfect moments swirling over here all that often.
We had the chance to spend time and get closer with each other and it was much needed. Romance rocks when a couple has the time to actually make it happen.

Alas, a weekend ends faster than you're ready for and after spending all of Friday and Saturday there, Sunday morning (after we had a great breakfast) we were on our way back to reality.
It was too short and I wasn't ready to come back...but I loved the time we did get to spend there.

On to other news; I'm about 15 or so weeks along now and things are going fine as far as we know.
I'm utterly exhausted all the time and everything from the middle of my back and down to my feet hurts constantly (i have to stand 8.5-9.5 hours a day at work). I also tend to be an emotional wreck as preggo women will do...I just happen to be especially psychotic since I'm already a nut bag when not pumped with hormones.
I cried three times yesterday and for two of them I didn't even know why I was crying. The third time it was about my weight. It's never easy for a woman to get used to the body change at first and I have the unfortunate situation of struggling with an eating disordered brain along the way. Doesn't make for fun times.
I'm not doing any bad behaviors or anything and I'm very open with how I'm feeling, so aside from trying to cope, it will be OK.

Tuesday we will be heading in for another ultrasound to see which set of privates the baby is sporting down below. I really really hope it's a girl. If not, that's OK too. I just would really like a girl this time and Terry wants one too.

Oh, my boy turns 7 this Friday. SEVEN!!!! That's insane. I don't feel old enough to be running around with a child that age, but I am. He's such a big boy now ::sniff::

Anywho, I got up way too early today and now I'm off to get ready for work. Cheers.

Due date? UPDATE: Given due date of August 21st

2009-02-16T06:29:00.000-08:00

When it comes to the ol' woman curse, I've never been regular. I could go 3, 6, 8 months without one and that would be perfectly normal for me. I've always been broken like that for some reason. So when the nurse and everyone else asks me when the first day of my last period is, all I can do is shrug and say, "I think I may have had one in (insert random month here) ".
Soooo needless to say, I have no idea when my due date is or even how far along I am. I estimated that I was around 10-12 weeks or so...but the nurse I saw last week believes it may be more like 14-16 weeks. That would be interesting. Only one way to find out at this point!

I'm going to get an ultrasound today so the bb doctor can tell me how far along I actually am.
I'm looking forward to it. It took me forever to get my insurance to approve me because they are slightly incompetent...so by the time I even went to the actual ObGyn, I had already known I was pregnant for 5 weeks.

Last week we got to hear the heartbeat which was a relief. Being a paranoid preggo that couldn't go the the doctor yet made me question if my wee one were even alive. So after a little stressful searching, the nurse finally located the heartbeat. It was a happy moment.

Although I've already had one child, it has been YEARS since I've been pregnant (Daemon will be turning 7 next month. SEVEN people!).
Something that definitely sets this one apart is the fact that Terry is here with me and I actually have the other person by my side to experience it with me and help me out.
I was completely alone through my pregnancy and delivery of my son. His sperm donor was a dickhead that thought it appropriate to run for his life as soon as I uttered the P word.
So it's interesting to actually have Big Daddy actually in the same vicinity for all the fun of the doctor appointments and everything else.
At times it causes a slight bump in the road because I was used to calling all the shots when it came to having a kid. With Daemon, I was the only one deciding on names and all that stuff. Now I actually have to be reminded now and again that I'm not the only one calling the shots. It's funny.

Anywho, I'm really looking forward to seeing the bb in all its distorted glory today and I shall post my due date shortly after.

Cheerio!

The Grass is Always Greener

2009-01-25T14:49:00.001-08:00

Unhappiness and heartbreaking saddness are still very much possible when one has what is seemingly "everything".

Pass the bucket

2009-01-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time since I have been pregnant. My son is going to be seven.

All I gotta say though is that I DO NOT miss the sickness. I was throwing up during the night and am fighting right now to keep my two measly Ritz crackers down.

I keep trying to think of something that could help a bit, but everything I think of isn't for me. I hate ginger and can't even stomach ale ( I mean real ginger ale. Not the Canada Dry junk). I don't care to consume peppermint but sometimes I can choke down a peppermint tummy tea if I put enough honey in it. Don't have any though.

Ah the wonderful things that happen when a woman is incubating. Luckily it is temporary and the end result is worth it.

If only I could remember that when I'm on my way to work today holding my breath heh

Interesting surprise for the New Year

2009-01-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

Takes more than a load to make a father

2008-12-15T10:52:00.001-08:00

I just want to mention how much I absolutely hate my son's biological "sperm donor". What a horrible wretch of a person.

But apparently that's my fault....as is everything.

Reality isn't what you imagine

2008-11-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

Hello dear ED, I see you've stopped by.
I guess you had figured we'd give it a try.
I know you have missed me - well I've missed you too
In time I tend to forget the abuse

It was his secret, his shame to keep
Well now we have one too.
But don't get too close...I don't want the commitment
Just because there was a fling doesn't mean i'll return to you

I'm starving...for something

2008-10-25T12:05:00.001-07:00

Soooo....it has been forever since I've written and I'm sure there isn't a whole lot of traffic here anymore...but I'm having the urge to write.

Things have been busy and I swear all I do is work, go home, cook dinner and go to bed.

Although I am in no way a ray of sunshine, things are a hell of a lot better than they were at the first of the year. But for some reason I feel so utterly bored with everything.

I have never been the type of person to feel satisfied with the humdrum of every day life. I don't know why. I feel empty most of the time and boredom depresses me.

Obviously I've always had some serious issues that make me the way I am...but I just wish that I could be content with life being life.

I have my son back, I see Madelyn every week, I have a decent job that will (hopefully) lead me to a better future...but it just doesn't make me feel content.

As usual I instead focus on what is WRONG...

In my "recovery" from my eating disorder I feel fat and ugly...I work all the time and am exhausted and yet I still don't even have enough money to pay my bills or stock the house with food. My home is a mess and yet I don't have the energy or motivation to clean it.

There is love...but there are the problems that plague us that still threaten to drag us down.

I'm tired and i'm bored. The days go by and I feel like I have nothing to work towards. At the beginning of the year everything was hell and I was utterly miserable...but I had things to work for and goals in my mind. Now it's just a matter of working life away to barely cover the bare necessities and I can't even do that.

I just want to feel happy and complete but I don't think i'm capable of being satisfied for very long and I don't know why.

Also, this is a difficult time of the year for me since everything starting falling apart around now. Too many painful memories. But I don't want to live in the past anymore.

I've had this blog for around a year now and don't do a whole lot of writing...but I still stop by other people's blogs to see how you all are and to maybe chuckle at your humor.

I hope to start writing a bit more if I can manage to find the time....and hopefully my silly Eeyore ass will be able to find my own wit and humor again and post something worth reading.

By the way...I saw The Phantom of the Opera in August finally and it was AMAZING. If you are in to that kind of thing and haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it if it swings in to your neck of the woods any time soon.

Mission Accomplished

2008-08-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

My boy is back.

It is fantastic to be a mother again. I missed him so much.

I seem to have done it all over the last 9 months. Fell to pieces and lost it all and now here I am with a completely different life and the courage and strength I need to realize that I can get through anything.

I have a lot more changing, healing and growing to do...but slowly I intend on doing it.

Thank you to all who have stood by my side through this difficult time (hugs to Ronny!).

GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?!

2008-07-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

WE'RE GOING TO PICK UP MY SON AND BRING HIM HOME ON AUGUST 17TH!!!!!!!!!!

Turning point in the road

2008-06-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

I got the full time job I was waiting for.

This was a major step and turning point in knowing that my son really will be coming home SOON.

I told my son after I had heard from them and he said, "I was waiting for that!".
It's good to know that to a certain extent he understands.

When we had gone to visit him, Terry (the boyfriend) had a special talk with him and part of what he told him was that we would "be back for him soon, pack up his things and bring him back to Oregon".
From time to time I will ask my boy if he remembers "what daddy told him" and he will repeat those exact words back to me. It's something very important for him to remember. Something to reassure him.

I'm very nervous to start my new job since I will be staying up in Portland for training by myself for a while...but I am also very excited and motivated.

I hit bottom and rolled around in Hell for a while...
But I think i'm coming back to life again and realizing my own strength and potential.
Some days I still sink. Some days I still think I can't get through all of this. But I just keep going and when I come out the other end of that, I know that I really am ok and that I can do it. I can do this. I can do anything.

Push through the pain

2008-06-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

Terry and I took a trip to Idaho this past weekend to visit my son. It was bittersweet.
When I first saw my boy I crumbled to the floor in tears and wouldn't let him go. I've missed him so much. Four months is a long time without your child.

He's changed so much. He's grown of course but there's something more there. There is damage in his eyes.
I sent him to live with his aunt because it was "for the best"...but that isn't something a 6 year old can understand, is it?
He's always been rather shy and whatnot, but he is so timid and has a melancholy air about him now. And he's afraid of many things.
We had a blast in the 24 hours he was with us, but between all those fun things, there were the tragic things I viewed with my mothering eyes.

When he sits idle he is quiet and somewhat "not there". I can tell he is depressed. I can tell his little child mind has been affected. It breaks my heart.
I talk to him to make him understand...but inside does he wonder "why did mommy leave me"?

He tells me how much he wants to come home and all I can tell him is "soon".
Terry and I both had talks with him to let him know how much we love him and that I am working very hard to bring him home as soon as possible.

When we were leaving though...he sat there silent with tears running down his face. I couldn't leave him. It took everything I had to shut the car door and walk away from my crying child. My child crying because he doesn't want to live with his aunt and uncle anymore. He wants to be with his mommy.

I've cried many tears over the last several days, but I have not let that stop me. And my persistence is paying off. The fact that I haven't given up is finally paying off.

I am currently waiting to hear back from a job I was offered. After I pass the background check I will be officially hired. Finally. It is the kind of job I have needed to make the first step in bringing my son home.

Soon, baby. Soon. Mommy is fighting to bring you back to us. I have not given up.

Soon....

Stronger yet changed forever

2008-05-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well life has been an interesting roller coaster the last six months. More downs than ups and many many moments when I thought I would not make it through this life.

Things have become slightly better. Not great or anywhere near perfect, but I can finally see some sun again in my dark, dark world.

I overcame my purging again for the moment and haven't leaned over the toilet for almost 2 months.
When I stopped throwing up I went through a period of starvation and dropped a bunch of weight, but I have started to eat daily again over the last couple of weeks. It is still a struggle for me and I'm having trouble with the "re feeding" process because my body is starvation mode and therefore gaining weight rapidly and I have trouble dealing with it. I'm ok though and am trying to conquer the beast that is ED.

My son is still gone in Idaho which hurts me immensely, but I am trying my best to work hard so he isn't gone for too much longer. It's been very hard though.
I haven't seen him in three months and am hoping to see him soon if I can arrange a ride and a day off on the weekend. It's an 8 hour drive to get there...so it's been difficult to figure out time and transportation. I would love to just see my boy for one day though and have the chance to hug him again and see his smile.

On a more surprising note, about 2 weeks ago my ex decided that he wanted to give "us" a shot again. There's a lot of bullshit and issues, but we are going to do everything we can to work things out and hopefully we will. It is going to be a long, hard and painful road, but hopefully in the end it will pay off. Only time will tell.
In the meantime I'm trying to take this all in and continue my path of healing...both physically and emotionally.
I get to see Madelyn more which is lovely. I've missed her so much. She's so big now but she lights up my heart every time I get to see her, no matter how brief.

More has happened to me over the last couple of months but for the moment I will leave it out because they are painful things that I'm not ready to deal with and that I am regretful of.
I am feeling stronger now than I have in months though and right now I have the feeling that I am a fighter. I am strong. I can get through anything.

And I will....

Does anyone come here anymore

2008-04-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

I had lost my internet for a few weeks but fixed it last night! So here I am again.

If anyone ever comes here anymore...I do have a few updates that I'll post very soon.

Madelyn

2008-03-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

I got to see my ex's daughter today.

After 4 long and painful months I got to wrap my arms around that precious little girl again.
She got so big in such a short time.

I was so happy to see her and yet it was bittersweet. I've missed so much.

I miss her so much.

I managed to get her a few little things and bought her ice cream today. It was only a half hour that I got to see her...but I made the most of it.

I hugged her so tight and told her to never forget how much I love her.
And then I watched her and her father walk away from me again and my heart shattered.

It hurts just as much now as it did four months ago when my world came crashing down.

My son's 6th birthday is on Thursday and I will miss it. He's still with his aunt in Idaho.

I'm really trying to keep moving but each step feels like my legs are made of lead.
I'm just tired of the struggle. Tired of crying.

I miss my babies.

Just a child with tears in its eyes

2008-02-22T21:22:00.000-08:00

My bed is a pit of fire and I writhe in it night after night.
Twisting, crying, desperate hurting. It's a pain that goes through my bones, through my soul.

When will it stop?

On my knees. Bleed. Scream. Swollen.
Keep purging the pain....the never ending pain. Keep spilling it out...but it's still there. You cannot run. Cannot hide. It's always there.

It's a feeling that starts in my gut and rises through my chest and then it spreads to every limb until I am paralyzed. Literally, I cannot move. Like my entire body is one big muscle spasm and i'm stuck in it; tense and hurting and nothing relieves it.

I just want peace. Make it stop hurting.

"I have a feeling I shall go mad
I cannot go on longer in these times
I cannot recover this time"

"Should you lean above me broken hearted, I shall not care. For I shall have peace.
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted than you are now"

Define Me

2008-02-15T02:38:00.000-08:00

"Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe...
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday"

Writer's block? Or just hiding from the world?

2008-02-06T16:01:00.001-08:00

I don't really know what to write...i'm feeling rather suffocated by everything.
I did though, want to let everyone know that I'm still truckin along trying to get through this somehow and that i've been working.

Hope you are all doing ok.

For dessert this evening we're offering strawberry facade

2008-01-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

This is sad...this is angry...this is me venting in my blog...

"...Hide your face so the world can never find you..."

I am an actress.

Not the kind of actress paid millions to act on screen...or even the kind of actress that performs on stage for a happy-go-lucky audience.

My audience are the people that pass me on the street. The supervisor that interviewed me at my new job. And every customer I will come in contact with. Every last person that sees me throughout my day....the bus driver, my neighbor, the mailman...I am not what I appear to be.

Hello, how are you? Smile on cue. Insert witty comment when necessary. Laugh when appropriate and add artificial sparkle to my eye.
I'm a pro. I can fool the best of them.

I go through the motions of living daily and have for years. I hear a lot of "you're still young" and every other variation of it...but what people don't realize is that I've lived too much already for my age. I have been the actress for the last 11 years of my young life. The people closest to me know I'm a mess...as well as all of you here...but everyone else does not.
People think I'm "quirky" and just a little moody...but they also think I'm full of life and perky at times. Me? Perky? Oh, and "isn't she just the cutest and funniest thing ever?" Not in the least folks.

My friend Vanessa(the one that wrote one of the 3 pieces on my bulimia) said this about me and as I like to call them, my "crazies":
"...You hide it pretty good and make light of what does show. You make your 'crazies' appear as mere 'wackiness' when you feel the need to."

People don't know I struggle with bulimia and that I'm rotting from the inside. They don't know that I fall to pieces each night when I finally close my door. Or that I'm a loony and used to be a cutter....or that I've tried to kill myself twice. Or anything else I've done that would question my mental state.
People that have caught wind of these things in my past are SHOCKED when they find out. They can't imagine the quirky little girl that bounces around singing to herself is a huge train wreck.

I'm not writing this to say that people don't normally have to do some extent of acting throughout their day....or to hear that "I'm still young, it'll get better" or to say that I think I'm the only one that has a bad time...I know I'm not. I know that everyone has problems and everyone goes through shit.
I think I'm just writing this because I realized the other day while I was putting on my horse and pony show...through a glittering smile I felt my heart shatter. With every smile and every artificial laugh...my heart breaks. I'm sick of putting on the show. I'm sick of spending my days deceiving people and then going home alone to cry in the dark and pin my hands down so I don't hurt myself.

Just once I wish I could stop mid-act and break down and beg my audience to help me. Someone save me....I'm sinking fast.

I've always been a functional crazy person. I am without a doubt a loon...but I've managed to get myself through each day with a song and a show.
But I'm just tired of it. It takes so much out of me. I don't want to pretend any more. I don't want to deceive people anymore. I'm not OK. Why am I pretending to be???
Because it gets me through the day without the men in white coats coming to get me. Because people don't like people that aren't happy. Because people(like those of you sick of reading about my depressing shit) don't like dealing with THIS.

I do feel a bit angry right now...but I feel mostly upset. I sit in my new apartment alone...listening to the neighbor yell at his kids...listen to the cars go by...look around me and see all the crap I need to unpack...and I'm alone. This is not my home. The people I love aren't in it.

Where the fuck are they?! Well, lets see....the ex is getting his "space" and "measure of closure" and pulling tough love shit on me...his parents have other things to do and don't really come to see me...he doesn't let me near his daughter yet....and my own flesh and blood is in Idaho because I can't keep him here and care for him right now. I can't get on my feet and have him here and on top of that I'm sick and as I've been told several times, he "doesn't need to find his mommy dead on the floor".
So I'm left here alone to "suck it up" and pull my shit together alone.

Well thanks a lot!!!

"Inside my heart is breaking. My makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on"

The show must go on...

I'm back....

2008-01-21T22:24:00.000-08:00

So I managed to score some internet. The office manager of the apartment place I just moved in to has a WiFi box thingy and he suggested to me that I get a an adapter card for my computer...so I did. I currently have free internet. This is great for me because I don't have much money and I can't live without my internet. Not only because It's the only thing I have to do...but because it's the way I find out all of the information I need and apply for jobs(since I don't have a car).

I moved in here Friday night I believe and I'm not sure what to make of it. I am *beyond grateful* to have a roof over my head, but going from a 3 bedroom/2 bathroom house in to here has been quite an adjustment.
My bedroom is bigger....but aside from that I find myself saying "there's no linen closet!!" and more frequently "there's no pantry!! Where do people put food?!?!".
On top of that i'm not used to living up a flight of stairs or being able to hear people scream at their kids on the other side of my wall.
It's been ridiculous really how spoiled I just realized I was.
Before I moved here to Oregon I lived in the equvalent of a one bedroom toaster box in California for over five years. Just over a year in a lovely home and suddenly I'm spoiled. Odd. Well, I will adjust I hope.

Today was the last day I will ever be in my house again. The ex and I finished up the last bits of cleaning and I left my house keys on the counter. It was sad. I did love that house and all it's fancy-pants stuff...and on top of that, It was our home.
And now it's not.

What has made this all so much harder for me is the fact that my son has been in Idaho since Saturday. Saying goodbye to him was heartwrenching. I've talked to him on the phone though and he sounds very happy with his aunt and uncle and their new baby....and I couldn't ask for more.
Not only do I need to get on my feet again, but I am not good to be around at the moment. With his aunt, he is safe, secure and very happy.
I miss him beyond words...but I know this is best for him.

I don't deal well with solitude and the dead quiet....not for long anyway...so this has been very difficult for me and my "crazies" tend to creep in more often and stay longer. I've been terribly busy since Thursday though with the move and cleaning the house...so I've been lucky. But night time pretty much eats me alive. I'm feeling pretty lost. This is not my home. The people I love aren't in it.

I start my new job on Wednesday. It's just the orientation so far, but at least it shows that I actually do have the job. And on top of that, a bank that I applied to called me today and had a phone interview. The gentleman on the other end stated that if I'm in the top 2-3 people on his list that he will call me for a real interview. I hope so bad that I can get this. A bank job would be perfect. Holidays and weekends off and I wouldn't have to work all that late. I could still see my son and not have to worry about huge childcare expenses.
I hope to only have to work the crappy job "in the meantime" and find a better paying, more child-friendly one ASAP.

I feel so utterly......subdued. Defeated. I'm exhausted from the busy weekend and just lost. My ex isn't here and my son isn't here. No one is here. It's freaky.
NOTHING is the same. My entire life has pretty much been leveled like in an earthquake and I have to rebuild every last thing. It's rather scary, I must say.

I'm trying though, guys....keep sending positive thoughts my way(or prayers if that's your thing)...I could use it.

I'm doing my best here.

Don't forget about me

2008-01-17T00:13:00.000-08:00

Friday we're moving all of our things out of this house and to our new places...so I won't have internet after then. I don't know when i'll be able to get it back...but I hope soon.

Goodbye beautiful house. Goodbye life with HIM. Finally the end....heartbreaking.

Saturday my ex and I are driving my son to stay with his aunt in Idaho.
Saturday my little boy will be away from me.

I'm sad. I'll miss my baby. Very much. It is for the best though. Gotta pull my shit together here.
Hopefully he won't be gone longer than a couple of months.
Don't know what i'll do without him....all alone in my new place. ::sigh::

Well, if I don't post again before we move everything out of here....I just want to say thank you to everyone for the support.
I hope to be back soon....as soon as I can

Wish me luck....

I don't have to live in a box!!!!

2008-01-15T21:57:00.001-08:00

I HAVE A HOME!!!!!

I've been of course trying to scramble to find a place to live..and I have one now!!!
There's this apartment complex around the corner from where I currently live and I applied and they accepted me!
I didn't think they would because my credit isn't great and I haven't been working...but they did!

I'm very excited. And relieved.

I wanted this place badly. Not only do I get to stay pretty much in the same area, but it is a very nice and spacious apartment and will make the transition from a 3 bedroom house to something smaller..a lot easier.

I just hope I can keep up with the rent.

When I found out I was getting the place I felt such conflicting emotions...I wanted to jump up and down, laugh and clap(and I did)....and then on the other hand I wanted to cry and scream.

It just makes everything so real. I am moving out of my home and my relationship is really over. By Sunday night I will be sleeping in my new apartment. Alone.

Our life has officially been split. It is very sad.

But I am thrilled to have a place to go now...and a very nice one at that.

Sometimes I'm not hanging on so well, but there is still a small part of me trying to fight. A small part of me trying to keep motivated and stay focused. When this part of me comes out...even though brief...I do everything I can in that moment to do something I need and want to do in order to improve my situation. I need to fight. I need to go on.

I need to remember that I AM a fighter and that I AM strong. Sometimes I remember..and sometimes I succumb to the pain and feel like a weak little girl.

Even though I should be starting a job soon...I mentioned it being super crappy when it comes to hours and pay...I am continuing to look for better employment.
I've been applying to banks and to state job positions.
I want a real life with a real job. Though as a single mother things will be tough no matter what, I don't want to have to struggle constantly.
I need more and more reasons to view my life as "ok". A decent job that provides with me dignity, a decent wage to live off of and reasonable hours that allow me time to be with my son.
He will be gone soon for a couple of months...so I will try to push through my pain and despair and use that time to accomplish what I need to in order to create a better life for us.

Send me some positive thoughts, guys! I feel very strong and determined today...but it often doesn't last for long. I am trying my best though. May this all work out ok.

To her own reflection she said, "I will be strong"

2008-01-14T03:26:00.000-08:00

Who is that face?

There's a ghost in the mirror and there are clouds beneath her eyes. The roses that bloomed are sickly and pale...a tragic disguise.

She is see through.

A step closer to oblivion.

The weak. The spinning. The empty crumbling soul.

Blood spasm...wipe it clean. Look away and wipe your tear.

There's a ghost in the mirror and she's looking so old.

There's a chill in her heart and she's always so cold.

Beneath closed eyes....She feels them go.

They all went away.

It all went away.

In a dream, we can fade. In a dream we can run to peace in the rain.

"Peace", she said. "Pray for peace".

There's a ghost in the mirror and she can't look away

"Remember me always, even if I fade"

When will this all stop?

2008-01-11T00:15:00.000-08:00

I have to send my baby away...

Due to my circumstances regarding my health and my lack of shelter soon and whatnot...I have to send my boy to stay with his aunt in Idaho.

It breaks my heart. I know I'm not able to care for him the way I need to right now...and I know that it will be easier for me to get on my feet if I know he will have somewhere safe to be and taken care of...but it is very upsetting.

I feel like everyone is leaving me. My entire life has crumbled and everything and everyone I know and love is vanishing before my eyes. Again, I know it is best to send him away for now...but I just feel so torn up inside over it. He is the one thing that keeps me going at this point....the one thing that keeps me from sinking deeper in to this hell of mine. By sending him away I will be completely alone.

On top of that, I worry that he will feel very abandoned. He's already more or less lost the family he knew when it comes to my ex and his family...and now where will his mama be?

I know his aunt will take care of him...but I just don't want him to think that everyone has left him behind.

It hurts. I'm afraid for him and afraid for myself.

I don't deal well with being alone..and though I will have to work, it doesn't take up all those moments of solitude.

And the pain....the pain....I can't deal with the pain. I am so overwhelmed and eaten away inside by my pain that I don't know what else to do with it but flush it down the toilet.

I'm trying to be strong...but I can only handle so much when everyone I lean on for support is so far away.

And soon I will be without internet...for how long, I don't know. I won't be able to get internet hooked up in my new home(wherever that is) until I pay off the outstanding phone bill from this one. By then the bill will be almost $200 and will take me forever to pay off. My last link to the outside and to people I have met as friends...will be cut off.

I NEED the internet. Because I don't have a car I use it to find all the information I need to get places or to apply for better jobs and whatnot. I'm dreading losing it.

I still have no where for myself to live yet. Stress is wearing me down. Everything is wearing me down. I'm feeling discouraged and defeated. So lost.

I'll miss my boy. He will probably be with his aunt on his birthday....it just hurts.

Middle of the night blabber

2008-01-09T03:01:00.000-08:00

I am tired. So very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Everything. Tired.
The last two months have taken quite a beating on me. I am just straight up worn out. I need a rest. I need a break.

Monday I went the entire day and night without purging. I even managed to eat a meal and digest it. The fact that it was in there brought on the panic of course...and then I started to feel very sick because my stomach doesn't quite know how to digest a ball of food anymore. I went to bed in hopes that I could escape the way it felt.
I was quite proud that I went a full 24 hours without a binge and purge. It was a good feeling. I needed the break. It really wears on a person.
I, sadly, made up for that purge free day by doing it 3 times within a 10 hour period the next day. I can't quite understand it.

I was quite depressed today and very stressed...just overwhelmed by everything...so I knew in a way that I would end up doing it. But 3 times? It's been at least a week since I've done it that many times in one day. I was down to two for the most part.

Well, i'll try not to dwell too much on that and just keep in mind that I had gone a full 24 hour period without giving in to ED.

If anything, I bought some watermelon, apples and grapes today. Those are foods I can eat a small amount of without purging. "Safe foods" to use a very eating disordered term. I've actually been craving the sugary wateriness of watermelon. I'm craving sugar a lot. My body and brain need glucose..so it heads to the things that are a "quick fix" such as soda.

Anyway, in other news, I think I got the job I interviewed for. Again, it is a crappy job with crappy pay and very child-unfriendly hours...but it is a start. And maybe now i'll be able to find a place to live. They don't want to take people that don't have jobs..and with just cause.
This will have to do for now but I will keep searching for something better.
Hopefully my ex will cooperate and help me out with my son at first when it comes to daycare.
He can't get on my case about "becoming independent and standing on my own feet again" and then absolutely refuse to help me when I'm starting out with completely nothing. So here's hoping. I plan to talk to him about it next time I see him. It could go either way. He confuses me these days with what he is and isn't willing to do. I think he is confused himself, and that's why he is so unclear and all over the place.
By him thinking he is "doing the right thing" he has caused everyone we are close to in to an emotional upheaval.
It's like he is torturing us for nothing. He even tortures himself in this situation. All because he refuses to see any other way around things but what he has already decided. He's quite the stubborn bloke.

In my opinion, if you love a person you try. You give it everything you've got and then if it is still unfix able, then that's that. But in this situation...the towel was thrown in to easily. It would have required patience and effort, and he wasn't willing. And yet he loves me and is in pain over this situation. Where is the logic??

Anyway, It is after 3AM and i'm sitting here pretending I have half a brain to write a post....so excuse the rambling. I'm going to bed.

Killing kitties..and not in the good way.

2008-01-07T21:25:00.000-08:00

We put our kitty to sleep today. He was very old and very sick and dying already. The poor thing was suffering so much. I know it was for the best...but it is still upsetting.
I feel like everyone is leaving me these days.
That kitty kept me company.

My ex couldn't stand to go in the room while they put him to sleep(he's had him for 13 or 14 years), so I opted to sit in the room with him while he passed. I needed it. I didn't want him to be alone and it was nice to be able to be there for him...and provided me with closure.

It was very hard though to look at his lifeless body after they were done. Very, very sad. I know it was for the best though.
I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore.

I had a job interview today. It sounds promising that I may get it. It's a shitty job and it doesn't pay great, but nonetheless a job and I can work toward getting something better later on down the line.
Problem is though...that they will want me to work many evenings and weekends and childcare will be hard.
I don't have a car so I don't know where I will find someone and be able to get my son there and back again.
And I hope I will be able to see him sometimes. With all that has happened, I'm sure he feels a little abandoned..and I would hate for mommy to suddenly disappear too.

Being a single mother sucks. Big time. And I can't believe i'm in that situation yet again. Disappointing.
All I can do is try my best. My best isn't as good as it should be...but i'm trying.

Again, if anyone knows any way to make extra money(legally) let me know. I'm open to suggestions.

Am I a sell out?

2008-01-06T03:11:00.000-08:00

I've given in and got sucked in to Adsense. A mama has to make some extra money where she can...and since everyone advises against prostitution..this will have to be the way to go for now. If anyone knows any other little ways to pick up extra money. I'm all ears.

Also, I tried to get rid of Tinkerbell, but she wouldn't go. I'm not sure why but it won't let me delete her off the blog...and her time is up and it's time to go!

Heaven takes another angel

2008-01-04T17:52:00.000-08:00

A dear friend of mine that I have known since I was a punky little 13 year old brat lost her husband on December 23rd to cancer. She took care of him through the end of his days and I wish I could be there with her now to hold her through her pain.
On her myspace blog she wrote a bit of her own personal obituary for him.

Love, life and loss....so precious...so sad. I cry for her.

If you have a myspace...drop her some words of comfort and encouragment.

Obituary for Bob

Rest in peace Robert Douglas Griffith Sr.

Christina, I love you.

Random Ramblings of the Insane

2008-01-02T07:12:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned/joked about this before to a person or two(they were not amused), but I swear...if I didn't have morals I would be standing on the corner hookin it out to the John's on the street in order to have money for my son.

Finding a place to live and a job has been challenging. Impossible so far actually. I managed to obtain a bit of money through kindness and have enough money for one month's rent on an apartment...but I don't have the money for a deposit...nor will most decent, non-rat infested apartment places take me without me having a job.
I don't have the most fantastic credit anymore...and although I have good rental history, they want to make sure they get their money...and I guess I'm just too much of a chance.

I was given an extra week in my current place...but have to be out by Monday. So much to do and so little time. So little time and no where to go.

Needless to say I've been freaking the fuck out. I have trouble keeping my moods stabilized anyway...but with all of the emotional stress and general stress of this situation...my mood swings have been OFF THE DAMN CHARTS.
And I'm not talking "cranky woman" mood swings...i'm talking about mental insanity mood swings. Quite different.
For about a month I was taking a psychiatric drug prescribed by the lovely crisis center and it seemed to help slow the roller coaster that is my mind...but I'm out now and can't get to the doctor to get more. It certainly wouldn't solve anything...but it would help slow things down a little I think.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder...and if any of you know what that is...it's a lovely thing that comprises of doing everything you can to fuck up every aspect of your life. If you are interested in reading about it, the last link I have posted on my list over to the left provides pretty good information about it.
I know that it is just a list of symptoms and yadda yadda...but I fit it quite accurately when it comes to my emotional state, actions and behaviors. I'm not amused.

Anyway...to be completely random and just all over the place here...there is no way in hell i'm going to find a place to live in the next 5 days. I've been calling all over and it doesn't seem that I can find a place because I don't have a job yet(yes, I know i'm repeating myself). And on top of that, I was given money for one month's rent..but as I mentioned above, no money for deposit. And there is a program that can help me with that, but won't be able to do that in the next 5 days.
I'm in a panic.

I've thought about asking my ex's parents if they'd let me stay with them until I can get a place...but I don't think the ex would like that. At the moment he stays part time there because he is fixing up the house he will be living in. And since he won't let me see his daughter and he goes there with her...I don't think they would let me. But I need a place to stay until I can find a place for myself. And I just don't know what to do.

And it is hard for me to get around because I don't have a car. So getting to the places I need to has been difficult.

I'm totally freaking out.
I'm scared.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

ED said he would soothe all pain....

2007-12-30T13:44:00.000-08:00

Last but not least...this is a statement from Ron. Him and I have become good friends over the last couple of months and he too has had the misfortune of trying to "save me" and watching me sink deeper instead. I know it hurts him. I know it frustrates him. And I know it scares him. Here is what he wrote:

"What does if feel like to have a friend with an eating disorder? Imagine your child or sibling or someone you love and put them in a glass room where you can't get in. Now imagine them picking up a gun and put one bullet in the chamber. You can shout, scream and even cry through the wall, but you are not heard. They see you, but do not listen. They spin the cylinder and pull the trigger. Every time this disorder wins a battle it's a spin and click. One day there won't be a silent click. Meanwhile you are forced into the spectators seat feeling in your gut that you need to try to help. You feel anger at the person doing this, but it is a disease and needs treatment not anger. You feel sadness that this person feels the need to do this when you are available to help and want to help so badly. You feel a sickness in your stomach from where your fear eats at you because the law of averages is in the eating disorders favor, it will win if it continues like this. The audience of this person may consist of just one person it may consist of several and each will scream into the wall in frustration. If only I could break the glass and enter the room I could help take away the gun and try to talk to them."

Very well written Ron. Intense. And sad. My heart goes out to you. To everyone.

Just in the time it took me to get these last three posts written, I have taken a nosedive deeper in to my hell.
I purge every day...multiple times. And I cannot stop. I tell myself everyday that "tomorrow I won't do it". The next day comes and I'm on my knees with my head in the toilet again. Curled up on the bathroom floor crying again.
It's taking it's toll on my body. My ex was right with what he wrote. I sometimes look like death. I turn my head and I get dizzy. I am weak. I don't like to stand for long. I stand up and the world goes quiet and gray and everything spins. My kidneys hurt...my chest hurts...I lose my voice mid-speech...everything hurts. And above all, my mind and heart hurt.
Bulimia not only wears on the body....it wears on the soul. It breaks the mind down further.
I know you all say to look to my son for the strength I need to pull through this...but I find the struggle impossible.
I'm just tired. So tired.

This is odd...my blog has seemed to turn in to the "bulimia blog". And I only made it all in good fun originally.

I am afraid when people tell me i'm going to die. But then again I want the noise of the world to go away. The pain to go away.
My only relief is the numbness I feel after I've worn myself out over the fucking toilet.
I know it is bad when I start to talk to people that aren't there while I'm purging. Whispering "help". Retching through tears.
I'm sorry if this is unpleasant to hear...but there is nothing pleasant about it.

What scares me the most about my eating disorder this time around is that the weight aspect of it is virtually non-existent. EDs are not about weight...but they usually begin with it. I am on a road of pure self-destruction...and I can't find the off-ramp.

Every evening I ask my ex to sent me a text the next morning just to see if I answer. Just to make sure I am still alive.
The world is dark and I can't find the light.

To everyone that watches me go through this...whether you can see me or not, I am sorry. Please don't beg me anymore. It adds to the shame. To the pain. Just be here.
To Daemon...I am so sorry. To Terry...I am sorry. Ron, Kevin, Vanessa, daddy and mom...My heart swells with love for you all. I am so so sorry.

Close your eyes and run away. I don't want you to watch me fade....

Continuation of last post

2007-12-24T20:31:00.000-08:00

I hope you all have/had a good Christmas.
This is the second of three pieces of writing from people close to me watching my downward spiral back in to my eating disorder. This one was written by my now ex. It was heartbreaking for me to read because he doesn't often open up what is inside of him. I was stunned and just left with a breathless pain in my heart after reading this. Before I post what he wrote, you should know that he too was a bulimic and we once overcame it together. With one another's support we stopped purging and worked towards health again. What he wrote hurts me because I love him deeply and really realize now how much I am hurting him by doing this. So here is what he wrote:

"I have been asked to write down how the life of a bulimic person affects me. This is a very interesting question for me for a few reasons. First of all, being a person who has battled the demon on and off for 15 years, it gives me first hand knowledge of what life is like when dealing with this. Secondly, I see this person on a daily basis and watch the absolute destruction that is occurring in her life, her self and for the people around her. And finally, to be the person that has caused the tremendous pain in Rebecca which opened the door and let the monster back in to her life.
When Rebecca and I split and I saw how she was treating herself, I knew that it was just a matter of time before she went back to the binge and purge cycle again. Now that she is completely lost in the black hole in which it is so hard to see the light, I have the unbearable horror of watching her flush herself down the toilet.
Day by day I watch as she deteriorates to where she is now; in which I can barely recognize the person I once knew. I watch as her health has gotten to a point in which at times she can barely stand and looks like she is close to death.
How does this make me feel? Well, it makes me feel many things. part of me feels like it is slowly being killed every time I hear that she did it again. It really breaks my heart every time she does do it and it breaks over and over again when I look upon her and see what she is doing and what she has become. I get very angry with her because we both had worked so hard over the past year and a half to remain free from the grips of this Devil. Also because I know she is at the point where she doesn't WANT to stop. I truly believe that she is trying to kill herself through this method. To know this angers me greatly and at the same time it rips my heart out on a daily basis. Part of me wants to run far, far away from her. Having to watch the demon do this, having to stare in to the eyes of the beast that just about killed me scares me so much. I want to run. I am purge free now, but watching this is like reliving all those years of torment that I endured. It's like putting the open bottle of whiskey in front of the drunk's face. I feel pain. I feel tortured. Part of me wants it far away. Why must I relive it again?
Now, the guilt. Oh the glorious guilt. I know that I am the one that caused this. I know that it is me that has brought on the pain and destruction of Rebecca! It might as well be my damn finger in her throat making her puke. I live with this fucking guilt every second of every day. Oh yes, sometimes it might be covered up by anger, but underneath it all, the guilt looms. When I close my eyes at night it is what I see. Maybe that is why I get so angry; because I don't want the guilt anymore. If she gets her way and dies, then it's her death on my hands. She tells me that I am her main trigger and I know that I have done this. Everyone involved should look at me with disgust and contempt. My actions did this to her. I have destroyed the fragile life of Rebecca. I know that whatever happens I must live with the consequences of my actions.
I want nothing more then for Rebecca to get back on the path toward light. She looks to me for support but I find it hard to give when I'm being ripped apart inside by so many conflicting emotions."

I can't tell you how much it hurt me to read this and then type it out on here. I don't even know what to say now...but he has known me for the last 2 years...better than anyone in my whole life and he sees me now several times a week. It kills me to know I am doing this to him. To everyone. But with him it really hits home between his own personal struggle with bulimia and the fact that we've shared a life all this time. It hurts. And I am sorry.

Part 2- ED and I, we're two of a kind

2007-12-20T11:37:00.001-08:00

I have all of these things in my head that I want to write about this...but I seem to be so overwhelmed by it all that I'm not sure where to start.
I wanted to complete writing about the physical and mental repercussions of my disorder first...but I think i'll get back to that later. What I would like to do now is share statements from a few people close to me. I asked them to write about how they feel when it comes to me being in this situation. Their pain, their frustrations...whatever came to them.
I might have to separate their pieces though because this one in particular is rather lengthy.
It was written by a friend of mine in California that I used to work with. I have known her for about four years or so. I love her so much and value her more than I can express in words. She has always...ALWAYS been here for me. One of the very few people in my life that has never judged me or abandoned me in some way. She is a highly intelligent, loyal, and overall great person.
Her writing piece is long...so settle back. To me, by the end it was well worth the read. Here it is:

"I can't explain how having a friend with an eating disorder affects me without first explaining how I view love and friendship.
Love is one of the most intense things in the world. Love isn't about things being perfect, one should never expect that when they fall in love, or find a friend that they care deeply about, that everything will magically fall into place. Love isn't about what they can do for you, and how they can make your life better, but how you can do that for them. That's how it works, when it does work. When both people are always trying to be there for each other, than each person is being cared for. When both people only expect to be cared for, no one gets cared for. When both people only try to understand, both have a chance at being understood. When each only tries to be understood, no one gets understood, because neither is listening to each other. In friendships, and romantic relationships, the people involved must learn to trust each other. Trust isn't just given, they must also learn how to earn it from each other as well. Giving and earning. Can't demand to be trusted, and can't refuse to trust either.

In a friendship, when one is in trouble, the other jumps up and tries to help them get through it somehow. Sometimes, one person is quietly withering, and the other person doesn't know because nothing ever is said about how they feel. Sometimes expectations are placed on one person that they aren't able to live up to (whether "ever" or just "at the moment"), and the other person gives up. Expectations are detrimental to friendships. Expectations "invent" who the other person is, instead of seeing them as they are. Love is accepting people as they are, and helping them work through the things they want and need to work through. Giving or finding them the tools they need in order to be the best that they can be, instead of expecting them to magically be able to be exactly what you expect them to be.

Humans are multi-faceted, they have many many sides to them. When we first meet a person, all we see is the face that they present to the world. As we get to know them, we see more and more of their deeper nature. Different situations bring out different facets of personalities. Sometimes we're strong, sometimes we're hurt little children lashing out. Some people grew up "damaged", others grew up fairly "well adjusted". In my own opinion though, every single person is crazy, we just all have our own flavours of it.

Helping people:

When you teach a person to walk a tight rope, you don't just say "welcome to the circus" and point them to the ladder leading a hundred feet up, and expect them to do it, especially without a safety net. You take them by the hand, and help them first learn to walk on a ground level practice rope, showing them how to move their arms, keep their balance, hold their feet, and any other helpful hints you might know. If you don't know how to teach an aspect of it, you call over someone that does know. Once they get a hang of it, you graduate them up to higher levels, always with a net, and eventually, the best of the best go without that net.... and even they sometimes fall.

When you have a child, you don't just give them food, water and shelter, ignoring the fact they need to learn how to be a human, how to eventually be an adult, how to love, how to interact, how to stand up tall. Sadly, some people do that, and assume all their kids will ever need is food, shelter and water, and that's their only solution to every problem that child faces as an adult. When these children go out into the world, they now must learn all those lessons they were never taught at home... the hard way. Some falter, some thrive.

When you have a friend that is lost and afraid, you don't tell them to buck up, or suck it up, or turn your back, or make them feel bad for needing help. You help. Even if you don't know how, you try and try and try. That's a friendship. Never giving up on someone. Sometimes you succeed. They pull through. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of people helping. Sometimes nothing works, and all you can do is just "be there", be a friend... accept and love.

Eating Disorder:

This is one of the hardest things to "watch" someone do to themselves. It's a slow destruction, physically and emotionally. The longer it goes on, the worse the damage, and sadly, it's self perpetuating it seems, since so much of it (all?) is emotional. The more it's done, the more emotional damage, the more emotional damage, the more it's done. I have no skills for talking someone through it. I oddly lucked out with "winging it" with a crazy husband, even in his deepest delusions, I was able to reach him, and he wanted the helping hand out of the madness and I wasn't about to lose him to it. It's quite possible that's a key element, being the "right" person to help someone coupled with never giving up. That makes it all the harder, because I know I won't ever give up on a friend, but if I'm not the "right" person, the best I can do is very very little.

It is frustrating to some extent. I live 900 miles away, there's not a lot I can do other than offer suggestions, support and forgiveness. I know from other experiences that yelling, screaming, shaming, guilting, bribing.... all those things... will never do any good. They will only make matters worse. Such behaviors only serve to make the person doing them feel better, they never improve the situation.

There's a large sense of helplessness. When I know it's happening, or the urge is strong for her to do it, I want to yell "DON'T DO IT!" Sometimes it makes me cry; sometimes I'm too panicked to get that far. It becomes a race of "Stop her! But how?" All I can do is talk to her, distract her, encourage her, anything! Sometimes it works, often it does not. The sense of helplessness isn't diminished when the tactics succeed, because I know that the war isn't over, just the battle. It will take a long time, it won't be solved overnight, but I'm not one to quit before the dance is over.

Trying to keep her focused on the here and now, not on what was already done (such as a binge and purge), or overwhelming her with looking too far ahead (go a "whole day" without doing it).... the here and now, that's the best suggestion I can come up with, and I know it helps very little, or at least it doesn't help as much as I'd like it to. It is frustrating, because I'm failing her. I'm not failing her because she isn't trying or because I'm turning her away, it's just I'm not capable of giving the best ideas in this situation. I never lived through it myself. I so often wish I had a "teleporter" and could zoom over there in a heart beat and pounce on her, wrestle her to the floor and tape her down... but I can't. It wouldn't help anyway, even if I could. It would be a band-aid to a long standing problem. It would stop one occurrence, but not others. All I can do is let her know that she is loved, always will be, that she isn't a terrible person, just a little lost, and keep being there as much as I can be, as much as she needs me to be.

That's what a friend does. Not because it's a "duty" of friendship, but rather the definition of friendship."

Well, there is her view of the situation when it comes to me. I will have a couple others that are much shorter...I will post those soon.

It is hard to know that what I am doing to myself is hurting others so much as well. I am not blind to this fact and it is quite sad. Shame and guilt pile on.

Anyway, if you made it this far...thanks for reading it!

Little Update

2007-12-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

An update was requested so I figured I'd just fill you all in. I'm still going to be working on some other parts of my bulimia rant...but that takes a lot more time and brainpower...so it'll be slow to come.

I borrowed some money from my dad to rent an apartment for at least one month so my son and I don't end up on the streets. I filled out an application on Monday and am waiting to hear back from them. I hope hope HOPE that they will accept me. I really would like a place for us to live...and I only have until the last day of this month to be out of this house.
Then I need to scramble to find a job.

Emotionally and physically I've been a wreck.
I'm still purging 2-3 times a day and not drinking many fluids. My body has a bit of an issue with this of course.
I'm experiencing hot flashes, dizziness, shortness of breath, fatigue and some chest pains.
Not to mention the sore, swollen throat and the mark on the knuckles of my right hand that resembles this:

That mark is the least of my worries though.

Thank you all so much for your comments and support. It is nice to know there are people out there.

I am trying...I'm not doing a very good job at the moment, but i'm trying to get through all of this somehow.

I could use some positive thoughts sent my way...

ED and I, we're two of a kind - Part 1

2007-12-14T19:25:00.001-08:00

This is a rather difficult post for me to write. I don't usually like to open up about these sorts of things...and in my past this was always kept a secret. Hidden from the world and "protected" from anyone who might take my precious disease away from me.

There are a couple of people that read this that already know the situation and have heard this all before more or less...but for the most part I keep it away from the world.
It's actually an extension of my last post and I'm sure some of you could figure it out.
I think I will write this in more than one part since it will lean toward the lengthy side.

I'm going to put a bit of a disclaimer here because of the subject matter. In order for me to express myself the way I need to in this post and get out the emotional and physical anguish this causes...I may get somewhat graphic. So if you have a weak stomach or don't like to step in the "too much information" territory...maybe this post isn't for you.
But for myself...I need this.

ED stands for eating disorder. I like to use it as the proper noun it appears to be as well because it makes things interesting to refer to it as if it were a person(refer to previous post for example).
This is one of my many problems that I struggle with.

I am bulimic.
This is what I do:
I start here...

And end here...

There is nothing beautiful or glamorous about this disease. It is a vile, disgusting, despairing and very violent addiction spurred on by emotional turmoil. It will destroy you and your life.

I have struggled on and off with bulimia(with anorexic tendencies) for the last seven years. Since I was 18 I have made several unsuccessful attempts to recover. I sometimes go years in between bouts...but it never seems to last.

This most recent time...I went nearly 20 months without purging. I broke that streak about three weeks ago when I started to purge again.

Though I broke the physical act of purging...I was not recovered. My ED brain still lived inside and I still had not fixed the issues that cause me to lean on this disorder. Eating disorders are merely symptoms of other underlying issues. With the stress and despair of my current situation, I have reverted back to unhealthy coping mechanisms and self destructive behavior. I have tried to take comfort in the familiarity of my disorder. What my mind seems to selectively forget though...is that ED lies and makes you think he's your friend...but he is a wolf in sheep's clothing...and he has come to destroy you when you are most vulnerable.

Eating disorders are not just about weight. A person that suffers from one does not become afflicted merely because they think they are fat. It is deeper than that. I'd go in to all the reasons that can make up the dynamics of an ED...but this post will already be long enough...so I will stick to the specifics of mine.

In my previous struggles with my disorder I had kept it a secret from almost every single person I knew. ED distorts your mind and thinking so much, that you will do almost anything to keep that secret and make sure that no one will come between you and IT.

You will lie...you will fake...you will sneak...and you will isolate. By the time you are wrapped in the firm grips of your ED, you will have alienated yourself from everyone you know and love. Anything to protect the secret. Anything.

This time I have chosen not to keep it inside and suffer and struggle alone. This time I have decided to leave myself open. I will have trouble fighting the urge to protect ED...but at least everyone will know he is there.

Currently, I am giving the friends and family that know a rather tough time. Their help and encouragement is there...and I pick and choose when I will use it. Bulimia being the secretive and sneaky disorder it is...I still make attempts to "fool" the people who care for me in order to do what I need.

I don't keep them in the dark anymore...but I also don't give them the opportunity to stop me very often. I don't mention a binge and purge until after it is over because I fear I will be talked out of it. But I let these people know so they could offer me support...so what am I doing?

I am listening to ED's lies..that's what.

ED rides in like a knight in shining armor. He offers to take the pain away for a little bit or release emotions you don't know how to express otherwise. He makes you think you will be beautiful and have control over everything in your life. He helps you punish yourself and others for being "bad". He gives you something that is finally your own...something you control.

It isn't until much later that you realize ED has lied to you. He controls you. He doesn't make anything better...just so much worse. And you can no longer get away.

It is when you are curled up on the bathroom floor crying and begging God to take you...that you see you have been taken for a fool...and you can no longer escape.

I am hooked again. I binge and purge sometimes up to three times in a 10 hour period.

I plan, I plot and I sit in silence and hide. I sometimes consume several thousand calories in a single binge. I will mostly wait until I am asked about it now to offer the tidbit that I have hung my head over the toilet again.

When I am weak and exhausted and reeling with guilt, shame, as well as a deep inner torment...when my eyes are bloodshot and tearing...my make-up is smeared...my knuckles scarred...my throat raw and swollen...when I am empty...Empty inside my stomach and empty inside my soul...then I will reach out.

ED does his victory dance because he has prevailed once again. He does his damage and tells his lies...and I will nurture and protect him and believe him each time. He is like the abusive husband that says "I am sorry. I promise I didn't mean it and I won't do it again". It isn't until you are bloody and beaten that you realize you have played the fool once again.

Stay tuned...I will continue this in another post still. Hopefully it makes some sense. If not, I apologize. I just close my eyes and let my fingers type. The disconnected fuzz that is my brain right now doesn't function at 100% lately.

If anything...pouring it out in to written word may be helpful for me.

I'm not a failure, I swear

2007-12-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

Hovered over the porcelin
Eyes blood-shot and teared
I can hear ED whispering in to my ear
"Don't you see...I told you I would fix everything"
I feed this disease my pain
He feeds me his lies

"ED is a bastard
A deceitful and mean fool
He feeds off your weakness
And destroys your soul"

Missing Madelyn

2007-12-05T16:08:00.000-08:00

It is so painful for me to not be able to see my ex's little girl. It has been almost a month since I last saw her. I miss her.

Today I was packing up whatever was left of her clothes and it just stung my heart. The ex came to drop off my son and asked why I was packing up her room...for some reason it's easier for me to do it rather than watch him every now and then go in there and take whatever he needs.

He seemed rather irritated with me that I was doing it actually. I can't understand why...it's going to all be gone within the month anyway...so what does it matter if i'm doing it?

I mostly avoid her room. I can't bear to go in it and smell her scent...and see all of her things. It hurt to fold all of her tiny shirts...and pack her tiny shoes. And her brush still had her hair in it.

I can't even stand to hear her name without feeling winded.

I'm sure you all are wondering why I can't see her.

Well, I did something very bad to myself last month...and as a consequence to my actions I seemed to have lost everyone I love. I'm not aloud to see my ex's daughter and his parents won't even come to see me because they are afraid.

This was my family. These are the people I laughed with and loved. Went on camping trips with and barbecues with. Spent holidays with and attended family gatherings with.

My son calls his parents "Grandma and Papa" and even refers to the little girl as his sister.

THIS WAS MY FAMILY.

And where are they now?

At a time I need them most they isolate themselves from me and turn their backs on me.

Sure, the ex comes to visit every week...but the rest of them I have not seen since November 6th or before.

Normally exes go their separate ways...but our situation is different. Our history is too rich just to never speak with each other again. We were friends first and went through a lot together and helped one another through many difficult things

And I was not just "that girl". I was family.

But now where are they? And why am I now reduced to "that girl"?

Aside from the breakup and our life being ripped apart...I have a lot of issues and when I've been spiraling down and need love and support...the people I love shut me out. I just can't understand how they can tell me they love me...but then so easily disregard my pain, my feelings, our friendship.

I rarely shed tears over that little girl. To protect my heart further, I prefer to not think of her because it hurts too much. I think of her now though...and my tears for her fall too.

Sweet baby girl that I was to be a step-mom to....I love you.

This is tough love, sugar

2007-12-03T02:26:00.001-08:00

Sorry if this post is kind of all over the place...my brain still refuses to be clear.

The ex was nice enough to put notice down on our house...so I have less than 30 days to find a place to live. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I don't currently have a job and the only emergency assistance there is will pay for a deposit on a new place...but that doesn't do me much good when I don't have any money to pay the rent. I'm pretty much in panic mode.

I've still been pretty depressed mixed with hints of anger now and again. Still can't believe this is all happening.

I don't know where my son and I will go...but I hope I can figure something out for us soon. Time is short.

I've managed to score a couple other kinds of assistance that isn't much but better than nothing...but still doesn't help with finding a place to live.

From a lovely 3 bedroom home to what? Homeless? This is crap.

I've also been dabbling in rather self-destructive behaviors again(cause you know, i'm crazy) and I can't say it makes me proud.

I made through this evening in one piece(pat me on the back Ron), but I don't know how often I can manage that way.

When life becomes chaotic and miserable I follow through with self-destruction mode.

It's hard to swim when you are sinking in a pool of mud...

I must be strong. I need to be strong.

Hoping for forgiveness

2007-11-30T05:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like this...

and this...

and that's all I can say

2007-11-28T04:51:00.000-08:00

Nervous

2007-11-27T01:07:00.001-08:00

I go today to check out housing and other assistance. I'm pretty nervous. I hope they can help me out.

Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace

2007-11-24T03:14:00.001-08:00

I sit here awake and alone in the middle of the night...I fear sleep. I fear my dreams.

Yesterday's early morning I dozed...and I dreamed of my now ex's daughter. A little girl who I love very much...and who I cannot see now. I dreamed that she was here and I could hug her and play with her...
Of all the things I fear when it comes to sleep...is the moment I open my eyes again.

I awoke and she was not here. My arms were empty and her room was empty.

My bed where my partner would lay with me night after night....empty.

The moment I open my eyes I feel my heart sink and it takes me far too long to force myself out of bed. I go through each day in a despairing fog...struggling to do the simplest of tasks.
Everything I touch...everything I must use for regular daily tasks...a painful reminder of our life and what I will soon lose.

The coffee pot sits unused...it was my job to have the coffee ready the night before so he could grab a cup before he left for work every morning.
The Grandfather clock that sits unwound next to the fireplace...never to be wound for us again.
The dress I had picked for our wedding...that will never be bought nor worn.

Our home...our life. Over.

Every night I sit in disbelief...surrounded by our crumbling life...how could this have happened?
How could I have lost my best friend? Lost the man who my son calls "daddy"? How could I lose my family?

I am sad and I am destroyed. Where will my son and I go? Where will we live? How will we survive?

And how can I ever sleep again at night without the shoulder I spent so many nights falling asleep on? Without the arms that kept me safe? Without dreams that didn't haunt me?

It hurts. It kills. And I just can't believe our dreams have come to an end.

"I lay there upon my blankets and in the still of the darkness...
I picture you and wonder where you are, what you are doing right now...
And wishing...whatever it is, that I could be a part of it.
And in a matter of seconds, just as quickly as the thought came...the silence breaks as I begin to cry"

Happy Thanksgiving...

2007-11-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

Alone for Thanksgiving...sometimes I wonder what ever happened to love and family...

I can't remember sunlight

2007-11-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

I don't really know what to post these days...ok-ish moments are few and far between and other than those moments...I can't figure out how to make my brain work properly. All I can think to say is "Pain. Pain. Pain".

Everything still hurts and everything is still uncertain. I'm lost in a state of limbo right now trying to figure out which way I'm going and how to get there.

I don't sleep at night. I lay down for a while in the early AM and then find it impossible to get out of bed. My house is a mess and there's so much to do(especially since I have to pack soon)...but I just can't do anything.

And the feeling inside never stops. The hurt never stops. I'm tired of it now.

Comfortably Numb

2007-11-17T17:00:00.000-08:00

I'm in a very rare(and I'm sure brief) moment where I feel somewhat less miserable than usual...so far the last few days(and week, mind you) have been horrible and I can barely move. It's been a chore today taking care of my son since I happen to be a complete zombie. Stress and despair don't make for exciting or productive days.

Anyway, I figured since I have a moment where my mind sort of wants to work..I'd do that Meme that keeps floating around(and that I've been tagged for). Brain isn't working at 100% and I'm not sure I can think of anything too exciting(I'm not Ms. Positive at the moment)...so bear with me. I'll do my best.

THE RULES:1. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
2. Each player list 6 facts/habits/secrets about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1) I am a certifiable nut bag. No, really...I am. I realize I am quite hard on myself and that I am my own worst enemy...but I do seriously have a lot of issues(who doesn't?).
First of all...my mood swings are off the chart. In my profile I have stated that my occupation is "mood swing generator. New one available every 20 minutes". Though I say it in a humorous way, I am dead serious. I have a few real diagnoses and the things that are wrong with me have plagued me for the last 12-13 years of my life and I have had more hell during that period of time than anyone my age should have. I am 25 years old and I have worn myself out. I feel like an old woman...yet I still have a little girl inside of me that has no idea what the hell is going on.
I'm also a pro at destroying things that are good(such as my most recent relationship). I do not trust...I only fear...and that fear leads me to sabotage things and I end up with the opposite reaction that I'm actually going for.
Anyway...there's more to it...but I don't want to go on anymore about it. You'll just have to take my word for it. I did start taking Celexa this week though...we'll see if this one will help.

2) I am the Vagabond Queen(can't I be Queen of more than one thing?). I have moved more times in my life than I care to admit. I have lived in four different states throughout my life and even moved several times within some of them.
I, frankly am sick of moving and was hoping to put my roots down where I am now and keep them here. I don't know right now if that will be possible...but I guess we'll see. If not, I will be moving on to state #5. Friggen yay.

3) I am afraid to be happy. I have been sad and crazy for so long that I'm terrified of who I would be and what I would do without it. Unless it is blatantly obvious, I can't even recognize the feeling of happiness. I immediately try to push it away as soon as I start to feel it because I don't know what to do with it. It's foreign. I fear being out of the comfort of my sadness since that is what's familiar. And yet...I loath what I feel inside and want it to go away.

Have I depressed you yet? Yes I know I am a drag.

4) I wanted to be on Broadway. All my life I have had an obsession with music. It is my passion. I love all kinds of music and my life doesn't go without it. I have been singing since I was little and knew I always wanted to be a singer. When I was 14 I decided I wanted to be on Broadway. I had the voice but not the bravery and I let several opportunities pass me by.
Sadly, I know my dream will never come true. And that is ok. It's ok because I made certain decisions in my life that lead me away from the things I had planned and I need to accept that. That and I pretty much ruined my vocal chords with rather unhealthy behaviors.
I can still sing to myself though.

5) I am afraid of social situations. I have more friends on the internet than I do in real life(and always have). I don't trust people and on top of that I'm afraid to be noticed. Once you get to know me I can be a loud and sarcastic chicka...even somewhat pleasant at times...but around strangers I am quiet and shy and often hope they don't see me. I am a full on introvert with a dab of social anxiety on top. It makes me seem like a bitch because I won't talk until I am spoken to and I sit with a plain face(and my plain face often looks like a scowl..so I'm told).

6) Last but not least...I have a sex obsession. I wouldn't go as far as saying an addict because I don't quite fit the criteria...but I certainly need it like a fish needs water. It's more for unhealthy reasons(shocking isn't it?)..but regardless...I'm a girl with needs. My now ex boyfriend couldn't keep up with me. I already have some items in stock...but before you know it, I'll be tapping in to Tammie's services(when I have a job and some money, that is). Not as good as a warm body...but better than nothing, right?

I somehow feel so wrong stating #6.
Hopefully I didn't make too many people roll their eyes with my melancholy list. That's about as good as I'm going to get right now...life isn't pretty and if I have a moment when I feel a touch less miserable than usual...I'm going with it.

I'm not going to tag anyone else because everyone I know that reads this has pretty much already done it.
Hope you are all having a decent weekend.

2007-11-15T09:54:00.000-08:00

Back in to the pit of despair today...fuck

2007-11-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

I still feel the pain and saddness quite deeply over what is going on...as well as fear and uncertainty..failure and whatnot. You know, all of those fantastic emotions. BUT...I'm starting to feel the anger over the situation. I was feeling slightly different last night(not better, but different) and I couldn't figure out what it was or why....but waking up this morning I realized that it is anger. (this damn thing won't let me start a new paragraph or anything for whatever reason, so I'm sorry if it's all bunched together). I am starting to feel anger over what has happened...and I welcome it. I welcome feeling anything that is different than what I have been feeling. And I know that through my anger...I can find my strength. I don't know how long it will last...and the other feelings haven't vanished...but I am trying to "enjoy" and experience this new emotion that I am able to feel again. And I hope I can use it to find what I need to do...Through all of this damn pain..let there be some light.

And for you all...I can't say how much I really do appreciate your words of encouragment and support. I need them! I have no one here really(where I live) and it is really nice to know I can come here and have a support system. It may not fill up the physical companionship and comfort I crave...but it sure does give me the warm fuzzies to know you all are here and rooting for me. Thank you so much. THANK YOU.

What will make the pain go...

2007-11-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

I have never known a pain so deep as this before. I can't even explain how much I hurt. I am devastated. I can barely breathe

I slept alone...

2007-11-10T08:48:00.000-08:00

I'm in pain today...

Physically and emotionally. My heart aches something awful.

I must say...I would rather take the physical pain i'm feeling right now than feel the heartbreak i'm feeling inside.

Update

2007-11-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

I'm still here folks and for now will not be "going away". I must say that I am disgusted with our health care system. I thought they were here to help people. I guess not so much.

Thank You

2007-11-09T06:16:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am ok...

I did something very bad yesterday and may not be around for a while...I don't know yet. But if I'm gone for some time...know that I am safe.

I will try to update everyone when I can...

Thank you all for your kind words. I could use all the prayers I can get.

Gone

2007-11-08T05:40:00.001-08:00

He Left me

Petrified by fear

2007-11-07T12:35:00.001-08:00

So I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and he said we're going to have a talk when he gets home...I asked him about what and he said "about us".

I am so afraid he is going to tell me he's leaving me now.

I'm so afraid.

He sounded so lifeless.

We had a horrible fight last night...the icing on the cake I suppose.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with this. I'm frozen with pain and fear...

God make this ok..

I promise I will learn from mistakes

2007-11-07T06:13:00.000-08:00

Man, oh, man. I've certainly been a drag lately(and I don't mean queen)..and it seems to be getting worse.
My apologies on the constant melancholy...I can't really help it.
Things are currently a large and stanky pile of poo and I just don't feel so great.

I'm sad and i'm angry...I'm regretful and afraid...I'm feeling things that pretty much suck the life out of me and I'm finding it a little overwhelming. And frankly, I'm tired of it.

I can't see it now...and I doubt things will even head in this direction at this point...but I am still hoping that things will start looking up soon and maybe head in the direction of "better".

Post after post is like this...sorry about that folks...it's all I can feel mostly at the moment.

I hope you all have a good day though.

"Tears stream down your face..when you lose something you can not replace..."

Rantings from the unemployed...

2007-11-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

Hmm..It's kind of crappy...I've been feeling not so great lately and it's hard to throw down a bit of wit when feeling that way.

Anyway, I turned in my first state application yesterday. It's a job I feel under qualified for..but i figured I'd just give it a try anyway.
I interviewed once for this same position a year ago and I may as well give it a shot again(needless to say...I hadn't gotten the job).
The pay is pretty good and the benefits, of course, are pretty sweet.

And I need to get the hell out of the house because it is driving me insane to be in here every day not doing anything worth mentioning.
Also, we seriously need the second income too. Especially with the holidays coming. If we want to have any sort of a Christmas we're going to need some $$$$$$$.

My boyfriend's family is pretty big and everyone expects everyone to give presents all around. My family(that I barely see and hardly talk to) stopped doing that long ago. Too many people to get gifts for...who can afford that???

My boyfriend and I both like giving rather pricey gifts too...and that doesn't make the Christmas budget go too far.

I need a job. I need a job. I need a job.

Someone send me some good thoughts...cause I need a job and soon.

He's a myth that I have to believe in...

2007-11-05T06:38:00.000-08:00

Relationships are seriously a difficult job....and I am a first class failure at them. Just barely holding on now.

I remember when I used to smile....

I can't make her real...

2007-11-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

Have a great weekend everyone...

What in the hell?!

2007-11-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

I think today is the first day that I managed to log in without having to do it 12 times. The other days I couldn't remember my login ID or password. First try today though!

I'm feeling a bit on the anxious side today and I may be teetering on the edge of a depressive state. I don't particularly care for these moods...but alas, this is me.

I seem to have a lot of trouble with weekends and I'm already gearing up whatever unpleasantness may lie ahead.

I like to be prepared...

What can I say? This girl has some issues. ::Sigh:: If only my therapist would let me have some meds.. Hmm...my blog is being difficult and won't let me make a new paragraph now. What the hell??? I guess i'll just bunch all the subjects together then. My cat ran a mile the other day. Did you know that the Big Dipper is in the sky?? Oh my God! You totally wouldn't believe that Stephen Colbert can't run for president!!! Yes...I can't separate subjects. How annoying. Anyway, sorry about this post. I realize it's been a waste of your time. Check back later...maybe I'll come up with something interesting to bitch about.

Another Halloween

2007-11-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

Well, Halloween came and went...and that's pretty ok by me.
I used to really love Halloween...but now, as with many things, I'm indifferent to it.

My boy had a blast though for the most part. He only tripped over his cape and hit the ground once...and he took it like a champ.

Something I didn't particularly care for....
One house we were heading up the driveway to suddenly had a man dressed as some freakish devil jump out from behind a car and scare the shit out of whatever child(ren) were in the area. Luckily there were already kids at the door and he jumped out before we got to him. I don't particularly care for surprises and I don't like people scaring me...and my son(he's only 5) is scared to death of things that move like people but aren't really people.

Like last year for instance, we went in to Costco and there was one of those life sized zombies in there holding its own head and talking...he nearly shit himself and started doing something that looked like convulsions while screaming. He doesn't care for things pretending to be real people. He doesn't even like those automaton(or whatever) things you'd find at Disneyland. If it's not real and it's pretending to be...he's not going for it.

Anyway, back to the story....so finally I had to shove him up this driveway with the devil dude lurking and he wouldn't take his eyes off of it. I could hear him saying "fuck the candy" in his head and trying to turn and escape...I just kept telling him it was pretend and there was a real person in there...but the devil guy wasn't helping me on that one. He kept talking in his hellish voice and being freaky. My son couldn't have gotten out of there fast enough.
I asked him to say bye to the devil man...but he didn't want any part of it. He grabbed my hand and pushed me toward the driveway again.
My boyfriend...who's a borderline sadist sometimes...LOVED it. He thought it was the funniest thing. I don't see anything wrong with it...it is Halloween after all...but then again I think the people should scope out the age of the kids first before doing that.

The age of the kids the devil dude jumped out on were even younger than my boy. I know, I know...I'm being such a mom right now. Sometimes it happens. I find it alarming as well.

The decorations this particular house had were pretty awesome though. They drew chalk outlines of dead bodies in their driveway and put fake blood all over the place. There was even a big rock near one of the outlines with blood on it. It was totally cool. I was impressed. And I'm not easy to impress...

There was another house that had on the door a note that read, "ring door bell". My mind said, "oh shit...someone is going to be 'creative' ".
Sure enough I was right and when the door opened, all of this fog came pouring out with a man dressed like that hockey mask guy(Jason?) on the other side.
I expected my son to turn and run screaming down the driveway; flinging candy in every direction.
To my surprise he just stood there with his mouth open and stared at the man. He managed to stutter out a "trick-or-treat" and then the man started to talk....like a real man.
We were going on about how impressed we were that our boy didn't run for the hills..and the hockey mask man said he just had a kid run screaming away from his house...apparently all the way down the street.
That normally would have been my son...but he just stood there and did his thing. I was proud of him and I let him know.

Something else that seems rather odd to me is this:
Why on Earth do people who are handing out candy to children stand there with cigarettes hanging out of their mouth/hand????
Like we want our kids to inhale their second-hand smoke in exchange for some Milk Duds? That seems a touch on the garbage side to me. How inconsiderate.

I happen to be a smoker...but not only do I never EVER smoke anywhere near my son...or anywhere he can see me do it for that matter; I would never dream of smoking near someone else's child either. Just because you want to poison your own body, doesn't mean you have the right to pass that along to all the little people stopping in your presence for candy.

There were some parents walking behind us with their very small child and they were smoking right next to her head. I'm sorry, but that sort of behavior drives me mad. I couldn't get away from them fast enough. I didn't want my boy breathing that.
I know, I know...I'm being such a Mom AGAIN. A rather overprotective one in this case.
But I don't go through all the trouble to keep myself as far away from my son as possible when I'm smoking just for some other dumb ass to blow it right in his face. No way.

Ok...and that was my rant for the day. Some things just get me going pretty good. And that is one of them. ::Ahem:: ok then...

I think my cat is dying.

Have a good day everyone!

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T07:00:00.000-07:00

Ugh...I have such a horrible headache today.
I didn't sleep very well last night...lots of tossing and turning...
That and I "forget" to drink fluids a lot, so I end up dehydrated quickly. I think it's time to drink some water today. Maybe...

Well, It's Halloween. My son will be dressing up as Darth Vader this evening and we will all be heading out to freeze our asses off door to door.
I am looking forward to "inspecting" his candy after he goes to bed tonight though. I'll be keeping a close eye on any Reese's peanut butter cups he gets. Want to make sure they are top quality and razor blade free, ya know ;).

Robert Goulet died. He apparently had a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis and was waiting for a lung transplant.
Sir Lancelot has left the building, folks. May he rest in peace.

Hmm...headache and "throat nausea"...I am certainly dehydrating. That means I get to feel like barfing and walk like a drunk for a couple of days since I lose my balance a lot from lack of fluids. Yes, I realize I am an idiot since I repeatedly do this.
One day when I'm on dialysis i'll look back and wish I had a little more common sense....or better yet...i'll wish I gave a damn and "remembered" to hydrate myself more often.
I will, in fact, be drinking water today.

It's after 7AM and it's pitch black outside. That should be against the rules.
I've been up for over two hours already and it's just as dark now as it was when I got out of bed.

This will be my son later...except not as cool.

His mask is only a face mask with a strap on the back. No helmet. No gloves. They failed to mention that the picture of the costume was a little glorified and the "deluxe" one we ordered him wasn't that deluxe.
And it didn't come with the light saber(though we purchased one separately). And the boots this young lad in the picture is wearing...well, those aren't in it either. There is though, a piece of stretchy material that covers the shoe as a "boot" and you hook it under the shoe with a stirrup.
It's a good thing his grandmother bought the costume...I would have felt seriously ripped off.

Well I suppose that's it for now. I lead a rather uneventful life...especially during the week. I do laundry, wash dishes, and wait hours to have contact with humans again.

I need a job...

Any plans for Halloween?

Ok, have a good one guys.

If I Were Meaner...

2007-10-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

I just heard that Dr Syn passed away. How horribly, horribly sad. I wish the best for his family and hope their pain won't remain too great for long.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you have people that send you more emails than you could possibly sit still for? I do.

Well, there's this one woman anyway that I know....sort of...I had met her through a message board for crazy people some months back and we are somewhere around a head nod greeting if we were to pass one another in the hall. That's how I know her.

But anyway, she always sends out all these emails containing jokes or supposedly heart wrenching things that contain prayers and information and whatnot. I don't really mind all that much some of the things that she sends...but holy crap...I do not need under any circumstances...20 forwards of things that have a subject of "he he he" or 5 different emails a day containing random product recalls that have nothing to do with me. Viagra recall? I don't care. I do not have a penis and any other equipment I have works just fine, thank you.

Recall on hearing aid devices that brush your teeth for you too? I don't need it...don't have it..and don't require an email to tell me it's been recalled.

She FILLS my box with so many emails it makes me groan and have sudden urges to sprint in the opposite direction of the computer.

I don't often make it to the computer on weekends...so by Monday I have an ungodly amount of emails and 70% of them are from her. It takes a lot of time and work to get through them too.

I don't want to just delete them because I'd feel guilty. When I look at the list of people she's sent all these emails to, most of the people delete them...and that makes me feel so bad that I make sure I at least open each one even if I'm not going to read it. It's crazy...and I wish she'd cut that out. But she must be a bit of a loon...so maybe she can't help herself.

This is an odd question...but I'm looking for songs that make people fall to their knees and weep uncontrollably.

So think of the saddest song(s) you can...and then let me know what they are :)

I don't really want to wallow or anything(::cough::)...I just like songs that contain intensity and meaning.

I'm a huge music freak and if the sound of a song doesn't get me...maybe the lyrics will.

Skip the gangsta rap though...I might wretch. And easy on the country...I don't care for that either...but if you know a really good one; let me know anyway and I might at least look at the words first to see if it's worth it.

Everything else though I can dig. I like some variety in my music. So let me know!

Hope the day is good for you...

In-law Family Fun

2007-10-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Apparently the dead old man's house smelled like cleaning products and severely overripe "I haven't showered in 4 months" B.O.

I guess I hadn't missed out on that much.

I'm still licking my wounds from the weekend a little...but I'm still kicking(as I seem to keep on doing).

I had to attend a Halloween Party over at my significant other's Aunt's house....and I just want to say...Holy children from outer space, Batman!!

Kids are...well....interesting anyway....but I seriously think there is something wrong with young boys. I'm not sure I understand it...but it is rather frightening.

The sounds they make...and the face contortions that occur are just down right scary. There were 5 or 6 boys under the age of 10 running around and I was out of my mind trying to figure out where to run and hide.
There were 3 little girls too...ranging from 3 to 7 years of age..and they were doing their girl stuff(whatever that is)...but the party was in this tiny house with probably 18 or 19 human bodies in it.
That's just a bit much for me.

It tends to get a little hot in that amount of space and I don't really like smelling the feet of the person next to me. I just don't.

The best part is when they pulled out the ol' "Bobbing for apples" bucket.

Can you imagine all of those children taking turns dunking their snotty faces in to that bucket and slobbering all over every apple until they got one?
There was literally a film that formed on the surface of the water.....ew.

Luckily my son finds nothing amusing about submerging his head in water...ever...so he didn't take part in that SlobberFest.
He did though...pull an apple out with his hand and proceed to eat it.

The best part of the party for me was when all of the men(men..not the children) went out to play basketball and I happily fled the children and clucking hens gossiping and watched the boys play ball.
I am happiest hanging out with the boys and yesterday was a beautiful day...so why not stand outside to get a whiff of the testosterone floating through the sunny air?

Sometimes I think I should have been born a boy...but then i'd have to be bisexual because i'd want to have sex with all the guys too.....so I guess it's ok that I'm a chick. I just like guys a bunch....

I'm rambling. My brain is overdone today and requires much rest since the last few days have been rather hard on me.

Isn't it totally sad what's happened to that Dr. Syn guy and what his family is going through? I remember reading about him having an issue with his eye and needing to go back in to surgery...and now he's in an induced coma after a fever tried to scramble egg his brain...so sad.
I hope he gets better soon...I feel for his family.

I'm looking for a job people....a state job. I'm having trouble a bit but i'm hoping to sort it all out and find myself a decent job so I can help contribute financially...and have a little dignity and pride...

Anywho...have a good day people. Hope you are all well(all 2 or 3 of you).

Oh no! I'm on the Pity Pot!!!

2007-10-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

I opted not to join my BF over at the dead guy's house today. I had wanted to go and help...but I had a really REALLY bad night and I feel like shit. And on top of that...it didn't sound like he wanted me to go anyway. He had said that I wouldn't be getting anything done with the boy running around(have a 5 year old son. God yes...that's right folks...I'm a mother).
I had mentioned it this morning to him that I did intend on going but that he didn't seem to want me to...and all he said was, "why didn't you mention this two days ago when I told you I was going?"
Then he mentioned again how hard it would be to do anything with the kid around. Like people never clean houses when there are children present. All the gruesome stuff had already been taken care of. But whatever. I spend a lot of weekends isolated. What's one more?

I realize how utterly un-entertaining I am right now...but there seems to be plenty of times these days when I feel this way. Life is a roller coaster soaring through hell lately and I want off.

I want off.

Buuuuut unfortunately the controls are broken and the brakes won't work. So here I am holding on for dear life.

I really have no idea what I am doing anymore.

I need to go flip eggs for my kid now. He apparently needs to be fed from time to time...and if I don't get him something soon, he'll start foaming at the mouth and making retard noises(although he's not even a retard. If you've seen 5 year old boys...you'd understand).

Sorry to be the Eeyore in your day. Sometimes I feel a little blue.

Have a great weekend.

God Damn It

2007-10-26T13:31:00.001-07:00

I'm sad....
Very sad.

My lovely boyfriend just called to inform me that his parents want him to "take over his dead grandfather's house". There has always been an understanding between them that when he died...my boyfriend would take the house....
But I didn't think he'd drop off dead and we'd up and move in there where the man just spent a week rotting.

I love my house. We havent even been here a year. I dont want to move. Im sick of moving. I have moved over and over all of my life and im sick of it. I just want to stay in my house. I love this house.
His grandfather's house is smaller and not as nice and it's filled with death right now.
We wanted the house we live in right now so bad and we got it. And now what? Gotta go?

No one talked to me about it and I told my BF that I don't want to move because I like our home...but it doesnt sound like I really have any say in the matter. I just have to deal with it and we'll move.
Its just not right. it makes me so sad. Im so upset. im sick of feeling like an outsider in this family that is only along for the ride.

Geez, It smells like something died in here...

2007-10-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

I can't exactly say I'm looking forward to this weekend.

My boyfriend's grandfather died and apparently he's going over to the dead man's house on Saturday to help clean up. I was invited to tag along.

Now...going and helping clear away the old man's things doesn't sound like such a bad idea...but when i think of the circumstances surrounding his death; I start to get the feeling I may blow chunks.

Ol' Gramps hadn't been found dead until about a week after he actually died.

Can you say swollen and leaking body? Ew.

My would be Mother-in-law went to his house and found him. Can you imagine the smell? A weeks worth of decay and gasses permeating from her father...ugh.

Not to mention...he always kept his thermostat at like, 85. I'm not even joking.

Ok, I got a little off track detailing the morbidity...

The reason I may not be all that excited about heading there to lend a helping hand is because of the smell. The coroner said that "some fluid got on the carpet...so you might want to clean that". Thanks.

Well, they cleaned it and it still smells. They're going to just rip it up instead eventually.

Probably not by tomorrow though.

So, I'm a little concerned I'll walk in to the house and get my first whiff of decaying human and, mostly because of association, heave up my innards. I think that might be a bit on the inappropriate side when surrounded by people grieving.

I'm a little nervous about my first sniff actually. Even if, by now, it's a faint odor...I'll still know it's from the dead body of the grumpy old man.

Maybe I'm over thinking this...

I don't know. I just don't want a situation. And I don't want to offend anyone....cause I'm good at that for some reason...even when I'm not trying.

Okey dokey...well so far that's the first thing on my list for the weekend. Good times right there.

Oh, and by the way...I'm not a grammar or spelling whiz...so please excuse any typos that you see. I'm not an imbecile...I just no rite gud sumtyme.

Well, fantastic weekend to you. And Ron, I must be talking to you...because i'm sure you are the only one possibly reading this. (I wanted an image right in this spot...but couldnt put it here. Is there something I'm missing?)

Until later...

Joining the Lot

2007-10-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

I have to honestly say...this is all Ron's fault.
I don't even really know him...he's just a dude who I commented to a couple of times...but he has inspired me to get one of these damn things.
For what? I have no idea. I spend more time depressed than witty. And my wit is usually taken in an insulting way.

So I'd like to ahead of time apoligize to everyone and anyone I may offend should I decide to say something "funny".
I would also like to apoligize for boring anyone I may bore. And oh...I shall bore.

I have now officially joined the flock...